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Next week, many will gather with friends and family for Thanksgiving. Beyond the pies and turkey carving, Thanksgiving offers a special opportunity for social awkwardness and anxiety.
Maybe you’re headed to your aunt’s to socialize with family you haven’t seen in months or you’re gearing up for a Friendsgiving with some guests you’ve never met.
It's easy to spiral and feel anxious in social settings. The stakes feel high and you want to make a good impression. But social anxiety can get in the way of connection, fun and feeling good.
Here are some tips from psychologists on how to embrace the awkwardness and practice social courage around the dinner table next week.
⚠️ Push yourself outside your comfort zone. “The thing about anxiety is in the short term, it feels really good not to encounter the thing you're anxious about,” says psychologist Fallon Goodman. But Goodman recommends taking yourself outside your comfort zone to “move you closer to the person you want to be.” For example, maybe you loved playing basketball as a kid, but feel too anxious to go to that pickup game near your house. To make it less scary, try bringing along a trusted friend.
🥅 Set a goal for socializing. If you’re headed to a happy hour or office party, set a small, realistic goal for yourself, says Goodman. For example, maybe your goal is to introduce yourself to one new person or ask two questions. Making a game plan ahead of time can help with those pre-party jitters, says Goodman.
😱 Identify your fears. Maybe you’re afraid you’ll spill your drink all over your shirt or no one will talk to you. “Most of the time, the fear doesn’t come true,” says Goodman. Naming your fears ahead of time can make the real-life experience feel less scary, she says.
🥂 Beware of liquid courage. A drink or two can ease anxiety and boost confidence for the night. Goodman says it’s fine if you use a glass of wine to make you feel more relaxed every once in a while. But be wary if you start relying on it to socialize, “where you feel like you can only have good social interactions if you have alcohol.” Plus, alcohol can actually exacerbate feelings of anxiety. While initially it can have a calming effect, as it leaves your system, alcohol can cause a surge in adrenaline, a racing heartbeat or feelings of worry or stress, says Dr. Nzinga Harrison, a physician specializing in psychiatry and addiction medicine.
💬 Ask open-ended questions. If you’re feeling anxious, try taking the spotlight off yourself by asking questions. Opt for open-ended questions like, what do you do for fun? Instead of yes or no questions like, do you like video games? “So many of us are trying to be interesting when the key to social interaction is actually to be interested in the other person,” says psychologist Ali Mattu.
😳 Embrace the awkwardness. It’s OK if you say something awkward or there’s a lull in the conversation. “The goal is not to eliminate awkwardness in your life,” says Mattu. Mattu says the price of social connection is sometimes saying something you regret or talking over someone accidentally.
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Life Kit is seeking stories from people dealing with the mental health challenges of being unemployed. Do you have a story about how you've navigated long-term unemployment? How did you keep your spirits up or manage the stress? Email us at lifekit@npr.org.
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