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The simplest ways to support the caregivers in your life
Elizabeth is filling in for Jancee Dunn, who is off this week. I have a group chat with my four closest childhood friends. We are part of the sandwich generation, a category of adults with older parents who are still raising kids. So our video messages, shared on a social media app, include everything from teenage drama and college applications to dementia and power of attorney. “Wouldn’t it be great if all of our parents could just get the same disease,” I joked to the group a few months ago. “We’d all know what’s coming and could establish best practices!” An hour later, I opened a message from my friend Hallie, who was laughing as she said, “Elizabeth, have you forgotten that three of our dads had Parkinson’s?” I had indeed. Clearly, no best practices emerged. But we provide emotional support — and practical help, too. When my mother had surgery last winter, and my hometown was expecting an ice storm, a friend’s husband offered to pick her up from the hospital and drive her home in his massive, four-wheel-drive truck. Mostly, though, we say, “I’m sorry” and “You’re a good daughter.” “The biggest gift is just a simple text,” said Catherine Newman, who writes about caregiving in her novels “Sandwich” and “Wreck” and takes care of her parents in real life. The vibe from her friends, she added, is “always we’re here. We love you. You are never alone.” If you are wondering how to support a friend in the midst of caregiving, these practical tips from experts and others who have gone through it will give you a place to start. Begin by listening and validating.It can be hard to know what wisdom or help to offer, so resist the urge. “Caregivers don’t want to be fixed; they want to be heard,” said Susanne White, author of “Self-Care for Caregivers.” You can break the ice with: “What’s annoying you right now? Want to talk about it?” Be a safe space for venting, she said. If you’ve been there with your own parents and can relate, even better, said Catherine Riffin, an associate professor of psychology in geriatric medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine who studies family caregiving. “It’s called experiential similarity,” she said. “Talking to people who are going through the same life experience reduces stress.” Dr. Riffin said that the emotional demands of caregiving — feeling overwhelmed or guilty or rehashing old arguments — cause the most strain. “Exposing your own vulnerabilities can alleviate the loneliness your friend may feel,” she said. Get specific about how you can help.Offers like “let me know if you need anything” are often met with crickets. Pay attention to what your friend is angsty about and propose targeted support. Experts agreed that setting a specific time frame — saying you are free from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. and will bring coffee or take a walk — may get a quicker yes. White had offers to walk her dog. Friends of mine who knew the constant burden of feeding kids ordered dinner or sent grocery deliveries (both of which can be done from afar). Your friend might refuse your help or ignore you altogether. Don’t take it personally. “Caregivers need time to adapt,” White explained. When she began caring for her parents, she found that her most helpful friends were “patient and consistent,” she said. “They kept offering — ‘I have some extra time. I can pick up the groceries. I’m good with paperwork.’ — until I felt comfortable asking for help.” Don’t be afraid to sub in.Respite is critical for avoiding burnout, Dr. Riffin said. If you know your friend’s parents, you might even offer to take a shift. You could read to them while your friend takes a nap or goes to yoga. Lynn Bufka, a clinical psychologist and head of practice at the American Psychological Association, lives 600 miles from her parents but has childhood friends who offer to step in when needed. “Remember that older people still have things to contribute,” she said. “Let your friend’s parents teach you a new card game or crochet skill.” A colleague recently told me that when she was caring for her father, having friends stop by (often with her dad’s favorite treats) broke up the monotony of long days. “One childhood friend wrote me a note after he died about how much it meant to her to be with him,” she said. “I knew my dad loved it but never thought about the other way around.” Like this email?
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