Hey Niepodam,

A client came to me frustrated.

Reply rates were flat.
Their outbound motion was… fine.
No red flags. But nothing hit.

So we dug in.

The structure was clean:
Problem → value prop → CTA.

But the opener?

Weak. Generic. Safe.

So I gave them an odd assignment:

“Spend 30 minutes watching your favorite stand-up comic. Pay attention to how they open—not what they say, but how they say it.”

They laughed. Thought I was joking.

I wasn’t.

Here’s what happened:

They came back with notes, timing, punchlines, energy shifts. 

And one line stuck with us: “If I don’t get you in the first 15 seconds, I never get you.”

Same with cold email.

So we rewrote the opener like a comic would:

• Start mid-action
• Get personal
• Use the turn

Before:

“Hi John, reaching out because I noticed you’re hiring AEs and thought our tool could help streamline onboarding…”

After (Angle: Mid-action):

“New reps stealing ramp time from your closers already? Saw you just hired 3, curious if they’re shadowing… or selling yet.”

Angle: Personal Observation

“Your job post says ‘scrappy AEs who can navigate ambiguity.’ Most teams want that, few can ramp that. Want to see how others are doing it?”

Angle: Expectation Turn

“Most teams I talk to say hiring is the hard part. Turns out onboarding breaks more deals than bad pipeline ever did.”

Angle: Tension + Relatability

“Every VP I know wants fast onboarding. None of them want their closers babysitting new reps for 3 weeks straight.”

Same message.
Totally different energy.

That campaign ended up driving 2.3x more replies.
Just from one shift: Write the opener like a comic.

Takeaway:

Most cold emails are polite.
But polite doesn’t earn replies.

BEEEEEEEE DIFFEREEEEENT!! (Sorry, not sorry)

Funny enough, stand-up taught us more about email than any sales blog ever did.

If you're stuck on openers, go study the pros who have to win the room in 15 seconds…
...or get booed off the stage.

Want help building this into your sequences?
Reach out, work with me, and start 2026 strong. 

We’re getting replies ;)

Alan "Modern Seller" Ruchtein.

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