I didn’t much like the private high school I attended in 9^th and 10^th grade. I considered switching and going back to public school, where all my middle school friends went. I thought I might be happier. (The complicated life of a 15-year-old!)

So halfway through sophomore year, I remember sitting down with my mom and making a list of pros and cons about leaving my school and attending the other one. I think it was the first pro-con list I ever made. My mom showed me how to do it, and after I filled up the columns, we talked it through at length. Eventually I decided to stay at the school I was attending.

Why do I tell you this?

Decision-making is one of the unavoidable things in life. It’s often not fun and is usually at least a little stressful.

This is true in the big picture — where to go to school, which car to get, who to marry. It’s also true in the small picture — which moisturizer, to try out for the play or not, which vacation locale.

A decision can yield an opportunity, and this may be exciting or lifegiving. But saying yes to one thing also means saying no to something else: cue stress. What if you opt for something you don’t like later? What if the result is a sense of loss or failure? Deciding means taking a risk.

Making decisions is more complicated for us moderns than it was for our forebears. For one thing, we are faced with the paradox of choice at a level our ancestors never knew. We have more options than ever, and more choices means more difficulty in deciding. We may research endlessly, pouring through reviews and comments. We may try to become an expert and end up paralyzed. Data shows fewer choices yield less stress and greater satisfaction.

But it’s more than that. It’s also that we have more people telling us how we should think about our choices … and usually those people are ones we don’t personally know. They’re the guys on the ads, the TV personalities, the online influencers. These are defined as those “able to generate interest in something (such as a consumer product) by posting about it on social media.”

The role/purpose of influencers is, obviously, to influence. Our reason in listening to them is to be influenced. We sit under them. We may not act on their suggestions, but we consider them. Many of us look to the influencers we follow as sources of wisdom and direction.

In the mundane, we may take their recommendations to try haircare products, figure out what to eat, or style articles of clothing. Bigger things might be ways to plan for retirement or when to trade in your car.

Large-scale life decisions they might address could be readiness for having kids, whether to cut toxic family members out of your life, or considering whether you may have been born in the wrong body.

This is a huge and sometimes under-discussed facet of social media. It’s not just that we moderns spend a lot of time on it, being inspired or talked at or entertained. It’s that many of us are being guided by input from people on it.

Getting life lessons this way stinks. I say that unequivocally. Do not prefer input from online sources over input given by reliable people you know IRL.

Why?

First, in real life, we can see a person in the person's setting — how the person conducts himself, the outcomes of the decisions he makes. We don’t take their word for it because they tell us to; we take their word for it because we can see with our eyes how things are playing out for them. We know them over time, and in context. This is a protective element.

Second, because we have an actual relationship with the person from whom we’re asking advice, the specifics and nuances of our situation can be fleshed out. They know our life. They can ask us clarifying questions (and vice versa). They can help us work through aspects of the situation that we may not have considered.

A person online may offer general principles about choosing between public school and private school for 15-year-olds in New England, but they don’t specifically know these schools. And more important, they don’t know me. And I don’t know (beyond what they claim and what I surmise about them) whether their values align with mine.

My mom, on the other hand? Opposite. She knows all the things.

When we make decisions, we get the best outcomes when we ask two questions:  what is? and what is good? More about that here. The first question gets us to knowledge, one of the basic goods (according to natural law). What’s the truth about the situation — what are the facts? And what’s the truth about ourselves that are relevant?

As we nail down and consider the facts, it helps to process them with someone wise. This is where the basic good of friendship comes in. A mentor is a form of friend — someone who desires your flourishing for its own sake. And when we make decisions, we benefit from receiving their inputs. 

Knowledge of truth and friendship are best sought in customized contexts; the general principal (called subsidiarity) is that we can optimally help or be helped by those in closer community to us compared to those far away. In this case we see: a social media influencer can never replace a good mom, aunt, sibling, valued teacher, or coach.

These are not always to be found, however. The lack of them, and the trend to replace their input with social media sources, has wreaked havoc. The bigger the decision, the worse the situation (and fallout) is.

Reversing the trend goes two ways. First, let’s limit the input we take from social media in general and influencers in particular — seeking out real, wise people and who can offer real advice.

And second, let’s make ourselves available as leaders and mentors to others looking for input on life circumstances — people who may need help making decision. Let’s cultivate relationships where people feel free and welcome to come to us when they are wrestling. Let’s ourselves help fill our cultures gap in such relationships.

For the good!