LAST WEEK'S BREAKTHROUGHS

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to stop trying to change yourself, and instead change the situation you’re in.

This is what Sherry has been “working on all year”:

“Initially it felt very very foreign and (judgment city!) very very wrong. But as I learned radical acceptance of things that I can't force to change, my attention went to what I do have control over.

Removing myself from triggering situations until I was regulated meant that my reactions were much better in moving us in a direction that I preferred (from a big picture standpoint).

Or saying to myself, this person just isn't going to change, no amount of ‘why can't they…’ or ‘I just wish…’ is going to make this person do, think, be the way I want them to. And when I accept people for who they are, where they are and what they think, it magically becomes easier to connect, communicate and collaborate.

Another example is when my kids trigger me because they are in a situation that I don't want them to be in. Gee, I wish that they had the wherewithal to see that and prevent it, right? But if I just go: hm... we are in a situation right now. Let's figure it out. What a big difference in what we can actually get done. We might not be able to fix the problem the way I would have ideally wanted, but boy, do we end up learning a lot together and making the long term better.

This works both for work as well as parenting, not to mention with spouses. But it's definitely a long game, it's not an overnight thing.”

Another reader sought out a better situation for themselves:

“As a member of AA, I witnessed trauma inflicted on other members—which inevitably resulted in trauma to me—in our meetings. So I informed my sponsor that I was leaving, and easily found better ones instead. At first she was horrified, but waited to see how I fared in other meetings. Best decision of my life!

There are so many great meetings out there, along with some disturbing ones. AA now deals with not only alcoholism, but drug use as well, and while AA welcomes anyone concerned about their drinking, the mental disorders resulting from drugs and alcohol are far worse than two decades ago.

I learned to take care of myself above loyalty to any meeting or even my sponsor, thanks to your newsletter! Already I am lighter, free of resentment, and enthused, more than ever, to pursue my own sobriety. As I keep in touch with my sponsor, she is amazed and heartened at the joy and appreciation I’ve found with my reset. I am amazed as well!

Thanks, Mark, for giving me courage to take charge. You’ve truly made a difference in my life.”

Finally, Ian from our community refused to put himself in a situation that would undermine his values:

“I was asked today to go to a lunch meeting with someone. I realized I didn’t want to go, spend the money, or talk bullshit with this person. We aren’t dating and aren’t friends. And when I asked for the goal of the meeting, she said nothing other than to maintain the relationship…

At that, I declined and told her I have a policy to meet with people for a welcome meeting and after that follow-up meetings if they serve a clear purpose, but I don’t have the time otherwise. She understood and canceled. It was uncomfortable as hell but I am glad I said no, I didn't want to sit through an awkward pointless lunch and spend money for chitchat. I have other things I am working on now and am trying to complete things, not add them to my list.

Felt freeing even if uncomfortable.”

This month, in our Solved Membership community, members like Ian are learning to enforce boundaries so they can live out their values. If you would also like your action to follow your talk with the support of daily action prompts and a like-minded community, click here to learn more.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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