Oh my god, please somebody NEVER LET ME NEAR A CAN OF YELLOW PAINT AGAIN.

It's Friday, and you know what I do every Friday morning like an absolute mummified goblin?

I wake up real real real early and paint.

Not, like, on paper. You'd go blind.

But, like, a room in the farmhouse or the cottage. And this morning? I was desperate to re-paint the downstairs bathroom, because people are coming over tonight. (Which reminds me, shit, need to order Instacart. Snacky things. But nothing too pretentious. Do you think goat cheese stuffed mushrooms is too pretentious??? Guests are beer drinkers. Must....do....research. Hit reply if you have a favorite hit—and thanks for saving my ass!)

So this morning I wake up and I'm gettin' loose and I'm stretchin' and I'm doing pull-ups (I am not doing pull-ups) and I'm crushing egg whites and shoving whole oranges into my mouth (I am not doing that either) in preparation for MY BIG FRIDAY MORNING PAINT DEBUT, when I remember that—whoa, ho, hoooo—I had a small can of Farrow & Ball's Dayroom Yellow, from a hallway project that DID NOT WORK OUT ❌, and suddenly decided that it would definitely (probably?) look cute with the medium blue tiles I had installed in the bathroom??? (These ones.) Which match the blue wainscoting? Plus, that little can cost $55, so I should really USE IT, right????? So, yeah: off I go, la de dah, blue and yellow, hooray for spring!

Wrong answer.

I shoulda known since first swipe, when I'm there cringing like a T-Rex, telling myself it's way too bright and "landlord special" and feels decidedly low-end, but then ALSO telling myself:

"It'll look good once it's all over the walls! Just give it a chance! Don't chicken out like last time! Go all in! Paint the ceiling, too! Let's make it look *intentional.*" Which is what interior designers are always saying to do.

Note: By "last time," I'm referring to the time I thought it would be chic if I painted the entire bathroom in a color I like to call "red wine flung all over wall." It looks soooooooo good in the photos, and yet, in that bathroom? It looked like I had decapitated a muppet and wiped it all over the walls.

Thus, this time I VERY INTENTIONALLY painted every inch of this bathroom in what I can only describe as Big Bird yellow. And I waited for the big moment. I really did. I was WAITING for it to suddenly look chic. And creative. And happy. And something you'd walk in and say, "Oh, wow, this is so cheery!" (And then secretly make a mental note to paint your bathroom the same shade of yellow.)

Guys.

Let me tell you.

I've seen pus that looks better than this.

This color reminds me of the neon yellow that comes out when you squash a bug.

Of course, not on anybody else's walls. Just on mine. That is how this works.

But, also: if I have to edge around these sconces ONE MORE TIME, I am going to need a lobotomy. So much for great first impressions! The neighbors will just have to think I have really bad taste. I might as well just paint everything black. And get black leather couches. With black lights dangling. So I can really play the part.

I will say, though, this reminds me of something important:

Getting really fucking good, first requires you to be really fucking bad.

Those mistakes I made in the bathroom?

That's me putting in reps.

That's me doing creative push-ups.

That's me learning.

And, you can't do it any other way. An interior designer can tell me all day long how "clean" colors don't mix well with "earthy" colors, but until I make the mistake and experience the mistake, I won't really get it.

Until the moment when I do.