Monday, June 1, 2026

Me just trying to get out of the mall. [Warner Bros.]

A scene from a cash register

Hi.

Hi! Did you find everything you were looking for in STORE?

Yep, thanks.

Just this shirt for you, then?

Mmhmm.

Soooo cute, girl. Email address?

What?

What’s your email address?

Why?

Are you on file with us here at STORE?

Oh, no thanks. I’ll just take the top.

No problem at all, babe. It’s just that, if you don’t give us an email address, you can’t return this. You have to keep it forever, which I’m sure is fine since it’s such a superb item that fits right! You definitely look like a size four in the right light. If I squint. With one eye.

Actually, it’s a gift. So I have to give you an email?

Yeah, it’s for the best if you join our rewards program. You’re going to love being a member of STORE.

My email address is EMAIL ADDRESS AT GMAIL DOT COM.

Sorry, did you said E-F-I-F-D-F…

No, I said E-M-A-I-L-A-D-D-R-E-S-S-AT-GMAIL-DOT-COM

Right, got it, girly. So that was F-S-R-T-F-H-D-H-D-AT-YAHOO-DOT-NET?

You know what? Sure.

Phone number?

Seriously?

Zip code?

I just want to exchange money for goods.

We’ll get you on your way in no time at all! Do you have WhatsApp, Google Voice, Signal, Threema, Session, Wire, Skype, Zoom, Microsoft Teams, Friendster, MySpace or, like, maybe a dedicated email group for a private book club?

Absolutely not.

I’m telling you, you’re going to love getting six emails, five text messages and two emergency flares from us here at STORE every hour.

I don’t want that.

But we’re besties!!!!

Please…

Birthday?

Why do you need my birthday?

So you don’t miss out on our great birthday offers here at STORE, babe. Each year, we send you a coupon for 20 cents off a purchase of $300 or more. Exclusions apply unless you want to go ahead and give us a sample of blood or other DNA material real fast. Our lab is right around the corner near our new summer activewear. Three licensed professional nurses are on standby.

I will never come back here.

Oh, yes, you will.

That sounded threatening.

Girl, no! Girl! Girl, we got you! Girl! Babe! Girl!!!

Can I go?

Just one more thing. I’ll need you to place your finger on this pad so we can capture your print. And then just focus your retina right here on this red laser and try not to blink. You’re only going to feel a gentle pressure for a quick 30 seconds or so, but it shouldn't do much damage to your cornea.

I’m getting the $@%& out of here, keep the shirt.

But babe! You forgot to spit in the tube! Girl! Babe! Wait!

How it feels to hear the rain against our dry windows. [Castle Rock]

Rain down exclamation marks on me

The above scenario is brought to you by Gemini season, in which everyone in my household has a birthday in the span of four weeks, including me, plus Father's Day for good measure. In Gemini season, I have no money at all. In Gemini season, I have negative money. In Gemini season, I access the dedicated savings account into which I drop nominal coin all year to prepare for the gantlet. In Gemini season, I can be found buying gifts, making cakes, hosting dinners and having so much time-sensitive fun that one wonders if fun is even real or if fun is a trap, a liminal space from which one will never emerge well-rested again.

Perhaps the realigning of the planets into Gemini has ushered in the RAIN!!!!!!!!! RAIN!!!!!! Wow, did we need our summer storms to start, almost as much as we need a comprehensive review of state and local water usage policies in the face of harrowing drought conditions and perpetually expanding development!

I would like everyone to know that my editor, a top leader at this news organization, wrote this headline. We are very serious around here.

Read it: Rain!!!!!!!!

And another thing!

Since I'm spending all my time birthday shopping, allow me to direct you to a cute St. Pete boutique called Katie + Hubbell (not the inspiration for the above section, FWIW). It has been open for a while, and I stopped in for the first time the other day after hearing about it on Instagram. The store sells only Anthropologie resale items, so if you hate Anthropologie, save yourself the trip. Everything is new with tags at decent discounts, including the twee housewares and nifty gifties my ukulele-deprived millennial heart desires. Bonus that it's loosely Barbra Streisand themed. Real ones will recognize the names Katie and Hubbell from "The Way We Were."

Contact Stephanie Hayes at shayes@tampabay.com. Follow @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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