| Dear Carolyn: I am the last of my hometown girl group not married with children. Over the last several years, they have become distant due to family life and their various obligations. On average I’ll get on the phone with each of them once a quarter — when they don’t cancel due to their kids, being tired or forgetting, which happens about half the time. I stay involved by going to their kids’ birthday parties, sending small presents for occasions and checking in over text periodically, knowing I may not hear back for extended periods of time, if at all. Due to this, I have begun to keep bigger things to myself. I haven’t told any of them that I recently had early stage cancer surgery. They also don’t seem to have an interest or follow up on the things I’m doing: applying to grad school, buying a home, learning to embroider from my grandmother. I’ve learned to balance the joy of seeing them have families with the grief of losing the closeness we all once had. While I know these friends have always wanted children, I have consistently expressed that I would also be fulfilled if I never became a mother, and never would without a capable and supportive partner. Just this year, my job benefits started covering one egg-freezing cycle. During one of the quarterly calls, I told one of my hometown friends I was going to go through this process. This friend expressed great enthusiasm over this “new development” and started asking all types of questions. Within days the rest of the group, unprompted by me, individually reached out to connect — wanting to know how I was doing, how many eggs I got, if I was thinking about motherhood differently and comparing experiences with the two friends who have gone through the process themselves. While I appreciate their support, I feel bothered by their newfound enthusiasm. For one, it means they actually do have the space to be supportive and enthusiastic about the things going on in my life. Secondly, it hurts that they have never given the things that really matter to me this type of attention. And third, it feels like they are taking this as a sign that I am joining them in their motherhood and marriage journeys when I have said repeatedly that I’m all right if neither ever happens to me. Do I call them out? I’m so sad this is getting more attention than anything in my life over the past almost-decade. Especially now that I see it doesn’t have to take weeks to get a response. — Friendships Gone Cold Carolyn’s been writing her advice column for two decades. Explore the archives below. | 
