How couples therapists fight with their partners
Dr. Alaina Gold is a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles. She is steeped in the latest relationship research. She has a thriving couples therapy practice. She still argues with her husband. “I would be concerned if we never did,” Dr. Gold said. Clashes are normal in relationships, but how you handle those fights is key, Dr. Gold explained. A small study of married couples, published in the journal Family Process, acknowledged the “inevitability” of conflict in close relationships. But the researchers wrote that “happy couples appear able to discuss even their most problematic issues constructively.” “And a skillful repair is often an opportunity for greater connection, intimacy and trust,” Dr. Gold said. I figure couples therapists are expert at handling conflict. So I asked them how they do it in their own homes. They take an ‘Angelina Jolie’Research suggests that during arguments, people often move into a “fight, flight or freeze” response, losing some of their capacity for rational thinking. So Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “’Til Stress Do Us Part,” said that when she or her partner feel emotionally flooded, they take an “intentional break” to cool down. Dr. Gold encourages couples to find shared language for stepping away, like the “time out” hand signal. “I had a couple who would say ‘Angelina Jolie’ and that meant, ‘I need a break,’” she said. It’s important that whoever hits pause needs to say how long it will last, she added. If you’re not clear on an end time, a break can feel like punishment. They don’t yellGeorge James, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia, said that when he and his wife are having a dispute, they keep their exchanges respectful: no name-calling, no cursing at each other, no raising their voices. “In my 25 years of working with people and 19 years of marriage, I have seen that nothing good comes from speaking harshly to each other during a fight,” said Dr. James, author of “I Give Myself Permission.” “And sometimes, it causes harm that you can’t come back from.” You don’t need to “stuff” your emotions, he added, but you can express your feelings in calmer ways. They don’t expect partners to be mind readersIf you’re mad at your partner, it can feel more powerful to be resentful instead of asking for what you need, Dr. Gold explained. When she feels angry at or disappointed by her husband, she asks herself: “What is my need here that isn’t being met? Is it connection, attention, gratitude?” Yes, this is therapist-speak, she said, but it works because it’s a way to identify what you are craving and communicate it directly. For example, her husband, a surgeon, recently came home from a long shift while she had been solo parenting all day. “He wanted to scroll on his phone on the couch, and I felt irrationally annoyed,” Dr. Gold recalled. Dr. Gold figured out that she wanted to feel appreciation for all the things she had done with their toddler that day. He thanked her. Her need was met. She stopped being mad. They pay attention to body languageDr. Gold told me that if an argument is looming with her husband, they sometimes recline side by side. “You’re not in a fighting pose if you’re lying down,” Dr. Gold said. “You’re less adversarial, compared to someone who is stomping around, or storming out of the room.” A friend of mine told me he goes on “fight walks” with his husband to work out problems, and now I do the same. Walking is a form of moving forward, even if it’s symbolic. Also, when we’re out in public, we’re too embarrassed to yell. Like this email?
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