| Dear Carolyn: I admit our dad was not the most involved father. My twin brothers are eight years older than I am, and they were the ones who came to my softball games, taught me to ride a bike, drive, etc. Now that we’re all grown, I can see how much our dad regrets that my brothers aren’t close to him. I have forgiven any neglect because his work as a surgeon was all-consuming. It seems to me he didn’t look up from it and realize what he was missing until I was in high school and he and my mom divorced. One coping strategy he has is to claim to remember doing things with us that he wasn’t really there for. Like taking the training wheels off my bike, or teaching us all to swim, or being at the shelter with us when we got our puppy. I think it’s kind of sad and sweet, but it bothers my brothers. They usually just mutter about him not actually being there. But when my dad was telling his girlfriend about my one brother reading a poem at his best friend’s funeral in high school, my brother exploded at him. He said my dad couldn’t remember anything about it because he wasn’t there, and the only advice our dad gave him was not to do the reading if he couldn’t do it without blubbering. Our dad denied saying that and said our mom had told him all about it and he felt like he was there. Later I asked my brother to let things like that go, especially in front of our dad’s girlfriend. I told him our dad is 62, they’re 35, and they should be relating to him as adults, not hurt children. My brother got mad at me and said that because of them, I didn’t really miss out on having a dad like they did, so I should stay out of it. I think I do have a place as an advocate for healing here. I think it would be healthier for my brothers if they could embrace our dad’s regret and forgive him like I did. Am I wrong? — Advocate | 
