| I really wish I had recorded my desk mate John Authers while he watched President Donald Trump’s “Make America Wealthy Again” speech in the Rose Garden yesterday. His reaction was a crescendo of grunts, huffs, mumbles, exasperated sighs and eventual yells — “Oh no. No, no that can’t be.… NO!” — punctuated by furious staccatos of typing. The headline on his resulting newsletter — “You Can NOT Be Serious!” — pretty much sums it up. Matt Levine agrees, saying there is “a pretty overwhelming consensus” that the tariffs are bad. But he finds the truly bizarre math formula the White House used to get here, which is seasoned with Greek letters like some sort of made-up sorority chapter (Epsilon Delta Phi???), to be kind of delightful. “I have a patriotic appreciation for the US’s export industry of finance,” he writes. “And two of that industry’s most popular products are: 1. Sprinkling some Greek letters on your work to add visual interest, and 2. Making up parameters to solve for the result you want.” But not everyone is delighted by the fact that Trump just turned the world upside-down with a laundry list of improperly kerned percentage points on a poster board. I walked into work today and one of my colleagues told me, “Lesotho is trending,” which is just a wild thing to hear. But it’s not just tiny African kingdoms at risk of financial turmoil. “High tariffs will be catastrophic for developing countries that depend on exports,” writes Allison Schrager. Marcus Ashworth echoes her thoughts: “Exporters are facing a wall of pain. Plunging growth prospects have a eviscerating effect on prices and will directly impinge on labor demand and thereby costs,” he writes. Just look at Vietnam, which is getting absolutely pummeled in the markets thanks to Trump’s 46% tariff. Andrea Felsted says the country accounts for 50% of Nike’s footwear production, 40% of Lululemon products and 35% of Abercrombie & Fitch. “Retailers will either have to take a hit to profits or pass their costs onto customers,” she writes. If fashion weren’t bad enough, Javier Blas says tariffs are hitting food, too. “While the White House granted widespread tariff exemptions for commodities — including for oil, natural gas, uranium, coal, gold, plus some fertilizers and numerous metals like copper — the administration didn’t extend them to a single agricultural commodity. Not one,” he writes. So much for lowering those “beautiful” grocery costs: Javier says Americans can expect to see sticker prices for bananas, coffee, chocolate and vanilla skyrocket in the months ahead. Will exorbitantly expensive Jordans and iced lattes make America wealthy again? Bloomberg’s Editorial Board highly doubts it: “The new policy seems designed to spur negotiations, forcing trade partners to reconsider their own barriers. It’s thus a work in progress, with no clear end,” the editors write. “That matters. The costs of trade barriers fixed in place are clear: less competition, less innovation, higher prices, lower living standards. Continuing uncertainty makes them far more burdensome and puts the administration’s stated goal in jeopardy. Companies won’t spend heavily on new plants or rework existing supply chains without knowing how high tariffs might be next month or next year.” Case in point? This chart from Lionel Laurent, which shows just how panicked CEOs already are. “Corporate America is hoarding cash, not splurging it,” he writes. On the bright side, at least memes are still free? Your 401(k) might look like the pit of hell, but have you seen the McDonald penguins? Or the seppuku infographics? The Ohioification of China? The beautiful beef? The mom from White Lotus? It’s all very funny if you forget what you’re laughing about. Bonus Tariff Reading: As I was reading all of our columns today, I felt inspired to write a little song to the tune of “These Are a Few of My Favorite Things,” from A Sound of Music. Who knows, maybe it’ll be my audition for American Idol. [Verse 1]
Rolexes, iPhones and laptops from China,
Coffee so pricey, no refills at diners!
Bananas, whiskey and cars from Japan,
All getting taxed by the president’s plan! [Verse 2]
German-made autos are bad for the psyche,
Washing machines and a jersey from Nike.
TVs, tequila and Camembert cheese...
The price of these things brings me to my knees! [Chorus]
When the bill comes, when the shrimp soars,
When I see my tab,
I simply remember the tariffs we’ve got —
And then I feel reallllllllly bad! [Verse 3]
Steel for construction and parts for boat motors,
Sneakers so pricey I’m wearing old loafers.
Expensive leggings and toys through the roof,
Bank account shrinking, my paycheck goes *poof*! [Verse 4]
Cocoa gets hit and the farmers get battered,
Supply chains are wrecked and the stock market’s shattered.
Factories close and there’s nothing to sell,
But Trump will still say, “It’s going so well!” |
