Conversation starters that aren’t ‘How’s it going?’
A friend of mine told me that she feels a bit anxious when someone greets her with the phrase, “What’s up?” Because oftentimes nothing is up. “It makes me a little embarrassed,” she said. “Shouldn’t I have some things that are ‘up’?” Standard openers like these can generate brief, pleasant exchanges, “and you don’t need to go any further than that,” said Haley Horstman, an associate professor of communication at the University of Missouri. But often, they fall flat because “they invite scripted responses,” said Alison Wood Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School and the author of “Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves.” The person may not know how to respond, she said: “They might think, ‘Should I give the polite version? The honest version?’” I’ve been there, and you probably have, too. So I asked experts for tips on how to make your conversational openers livelier and more inviting. Be specificGood openers prompt more varied responses and give people a choice, “so they can answer lightly or meaningfully,” Dr. Brooks said. They also “nudge toward substance, but without jumping in too deep or too fast,” she said. She is a fan of what she calls “contextual openers,” in which you notice something specific and ask about it. At work, Dr. Brooks said, you can ask, “How did that presentation go?” or “What drew you to that project?” Questions like these “signal attention and care, which tends to unlock better responses,” she said. Leslie John, a professor at Harvard Business School and the author of “Revealing,” told me that giving someone a compliment works well, too. For example, she said, “You can say: ‘I like your brooch. Where did you get it?’” Maybe there will be a story behind it, she said. Add one word to ‘How are you?’If you know someone fairly well, Dr. John said, swap ‘How are you?’ for ‘How are you feeling?’ Including that one word can make the conversation richer, Dr. John said. “That gives the person an opportunity to say something a little less rote, and they’re going to pause and consider their answer,” she said. Dr. John told me that she and her husband often ask each other this question when they get home from work. It opens the dialogue, because “there are so many different ways you can respond,” she said: “You can be snarky, or safe, or talk about something that’s bothering you.” Seek advice or recommendationsAsking for advice is one of the most reliable conversational strategies we have, Dr. Brooks said. When you seek advice, an opinion or a recommendation, she added, you’re “signaling respect and giving the person a clear role, because they know how to contribute.” And people feel “helpful, knowledgeable and influential” when they dispense advice, Dr. Brooks said. There’s also evidence that seeking advice can actually make a person like you more, she added. “People feel more invested in you after they’ve helped.” You can ask people to recommend their favorite podcast, book or restaurant. People also come alive when you ask them to weigh in on something. Not long ago, I got a rescue cat. When I asked a few friends for their opinions on some names I was kicking around, our chat quickly grew spirited, I told Dr. Brooks. She understood why. “Your cat-naming conversation was specific, low-stakes and invited creativity,” she said. “That’s basically a recipe for a great conversation.” And now I have a cat named George. Like this email?
Ben Riley learned too late that his father trusted A.I. over his doctor.Ben Riley knew that his 75-year-old father, Joe, had chronic lymphocytic leukemia, a type of white blood cell cancer that is often slow-moving. But his dad had reassured his family that starting treatment was not urgent. As Joe grew sicker, Ben learned that his father was convinced that drugs would do more harm than good — after repeatedly consulting A.I. Read the article: He Warned About the Dangers of A.I. If Only His Father Had Listened.
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