How to get grandparents and grandkids to connect more often

By Elizabeth Passarella

My three children have one living grandparent, my mother, and she lives a plane ride away.

When the kids were toddlers, I could pop them on FaceTime when I felt like it. Now, the older two are teenagers with their own phones and schedules. Talking with their grandmother is, for the most part, up to them.

Even though they text and call fairly often, their relationships fall into familiar traps: My mother thinks she’s bothering the kids if she calls, and my kids are busy and don’t make her a priority. When they do talk, both sides get stuck on the same boring topics (mainly my mother’s yard — sorry, Mom).

Experts told me that it’s easy to lapse into superficial or guilt-induced communication. Kids can think older adults aren’t relevant, but grandparents also assume every kid would rather scroll on a device than talk to them, said Natalie Galucia, the assistant director for the Harvey A. Friedman Center for Aging at Washington University in St. Louis.

“Ageism goes both ways,” she said, but grandparents and grandkids benefit from each other’s perspectives, which is why staying connected is worth the work. And these conversations are an antidote to social isolation on both sides.

If conversations are easy and fulfilling, they are likely to be more frequent. Here are some tips to help make that happen.

Let go of long phone calls

We often assume that a lengthy heart-to-heart is more meaningful than a text, but that’s not always true, said Francesca Falzarano, an assistant professor of gerontology at the University of Southern California who researches technology for older adults.

“Research shows that relationships are built through many small moments of connection,” she said. “The style of communication doesn’t cheapen the interaction.”

Sending a few texts a week or some funny videos might be more significant for both parties than a reluctant 30-minute phone call, Dr. Falzarano said. She added that adults with hearing or memory loss who find it difficult to follow phone conversations may prefer texting. It also eliminates the “I don’t want to bother them” excuse, since teens can respond when they want.

Audio messages are a great middle ground — more personal while still asynchronous, Dr. Falzarano said. And grandkids may one day cherish having a grandparent’s voice saved. “We think of texts as informal communication, but really they are an archive of the relationship,” she said.

Risk being awkward

Getting out of a conversation rut might be as simple as adding one extra question, said Rachel Shader, the program director of Sages & Seekers, which pairs teenagers and older adults to form meaningful relationships. “Older adults light up when someone asks them about their past,” whether it’s time in the Air Force or their high school prom, she said.

Shader said she had heard plenty of stories from her own grandparents but had never asked how they felt in the moment they were describing. “Going one level deeper is how interesting things come out,” Shader said.

Teenagers love to complain about school when asked about their day, but they can turn their gripes into questions, Galucia said. Instead of only saying, “I hate algebra,” they might ask, “Did you like math, Grandma?” Grandparents can press for an extra detail, too: Ask what class or teacher is their favorite.

Experts said that a ready-made framework for conversations can help, like the prompts provided by the company Storyworth. But grandkids and grandparents could do a loose DIY version, Dr. Falzarano said. Take turns asking a weekly or monthly question, like: “What characteristics of your parents do you see most clearly in yourself?” or “Tell me about a time you experienced disappointment.”

Create a low-pressure routine

The key to maintaining closeness is having consistency, Dr. Falzarano said. I know that when my kids don’t text their grandmother for a while, it’s not because they’re indifferent but because it’s not top of mind.

Dr. Falzarano said that grandkids and grandparents need flexible, fun rituals to nudge them, like sending photos back and forth of what they’re eating for lunch. Shader said her college-age son realized he had a long walk across campus every day, so now he uses that time to call family members, including his grandmother.

My 16-year-old takes a lot of mirror selfies before she goes out with friends. I’ve already seen plenty, but you know who never tires of getting them? My mother. “Beautiful! Love you.